


Lost

by Im_writing_out_of_time



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, sadness and despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 20:25:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11425527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_writing_out_of_time/pseuds/Im_writing_out_of_time
Summary: Your husband, Aaron, is so excited to have a baby with you. He'll be the perfect father.But what happens when you call him at work, complaining of sharp stomach pains?





	Lost

Aaron sat at his desk staring at the pregnancy test. Those two little lines meant that there really was a baby in there. He had waited for so long to have a child and now you were pregnant. He stared at the plastic test wondering; would it be a boy? A girl? Would she look like you or him? He stared at the picture of you on his desk lovingly. Finally, he placed the pink and white test carefully in the middle drawer of his desk. He loved you with all of his heart when he married you, but with every passing day, he seemed to fall in love with you more and more. 

He was smiling as he worked, even when Alexander burst through his office doors. "Burr, I- What’s got you so happy?" 

"I can't just smile? What do you need Alexander?" 

"I uh... I don't remember," he ducked out of the room, confusion written on his face. Aaron didn't know why, but almost nothing could ruin his day. He worked until almost lunchtime. Only three more hours and he could go home to your smiling face. He walked out into the main room, cubicles bunched up in the center a smile on his face. You were about six weeks pregnant, with a little peanut, his little baby. You had found out last night, and he hadn't stopped smiling since. He was so excited to become a father. 

He walked with a bounce in his step, his coworkers in the cubicles stopping the clacking of their keyboards to watch him as he walked to the break room and pushed the door open, sashaying inside. 

Alexander was inside, a stack of papers beside him, a hardly-touched sandwich in front of him. "Your smile has been bugging me all day. Why are you so happy?"

"It's just a good day, Alexander." 

"Are you getting laid tonight or something? Have a date night planned? Why are you so happy?" 

Aaron just smiled as he felt his phone buzzing against his leg. He dug around his pockets until he found his phone, your picture on the screen. "It's my wife," he beamed. "Hey babe," he said to you. 

"Aaron, come home now. Something's wrong with the baby." 

The smile immediately dropped from his face. "What do you mean?" His tone was a mixture of emotions, none of them good; somber, fearful, confused. Alexander watched on as your husband began bouncing anxiously as you talked on the phone.

"I don't know. I have this intense stabbing pain through my stomach and back. I'm bleeding and everything hurts, Aaron. Come home." He couldn't see you, but you were on your knees in the living room, your head resting on the couch cushion, arms above your head, your stomach avoiding touching anything. He ran to the door, fumbling with the knob, trying to turn it but his nerves preventing him from functioning properly. 

"I'll be home as soon as possible. I'm heading home now." He finally grasped the knob and turned it, pushing the door open and sprinting across the floor to his office. Alexander stalked to his office and locked everything away where it belonged and grabbed his coat, beating a jittery Aaron to the elevator. 

"Where are we going?" he asked as Aaron walked over to the elevator, the door already open from Alexander pressing the button, the men walked in and Aaron pressed the 'basement' button three times, slamming his finger down harder each time. 

" _I'm_ going home to my wife. Something's wrong and she needs me there." 

"Okay, first," Alexander began. "You drive here every day, despite the fact that it's New York City and you could just as easily use public transit. Because of that, your car is here, and you need it to get home. Secondly, the way you're bouncing and jittering, there's no way I could morally allow you to drive home in your condition. Therefore, I'm going to drive you to your house. And then I'm going to help with whatever you need help with. And you're going to let me because y-" 

"God, don't you ever fucking shut up? Fine. You can drive me, just shut the hell up for once." 

Alexander, for once, took him seriously. Whatever you told him you needed had to have been important, otherwise, his mood wouldn't have made a complete 180. The door opened to the car lot and Alexander grabbed the keys from Aaron's hands, unlocking the car as they walked closer. Aaron jumped in the passenger seat and his hands shook as he clipped his seat belt. 

The ride to the house was almost silent other than the sound of Aaron's fingers drumming against the door. "Something's wrong with the baby. We have to bring her to the hospital." His voice was quiet, full of emotion as his face darted back and forth, between Alexander's face and the road, trying to gauge his reaction. 

"The baby. That explains the smile."

"She's six weeks pregnant and she's got these pains going through her stomach and back. And she said they aren't the normal pains. And she's crying and I don't know what to do." By now, Aaron was crying, his voice was wavering and his body was shaking.

"What you need to do right now is calm down," Alexander said, glancing at Aaron. "If you're crying, she'll be a mess. If you act like it'll all be okay, and convince her that the doctors will help, she'll be more calm." Aaron sat in the seat, trying not to cry, trying to regulate his breathing, but ultimately making himself more tense. "Dude, I said calm down, not wind yourself so tight that you'll burst." 

Alexander pulled the car into the driveway and Aaron was running to the house before the car was even in park. He found you on the floor in the living room, your head resting on the couch, arms above your head. Your body was swaying back and forth, shaking from your sobs. He ran to you, kneeling down to your level. "(Y/N), talk to me. What do you need?"

"We need to go to the hospital," you sobbed. "I called the doctor. He said-" You let out a groan of pain as a stabbing sensation ran through your lower torso. "Just take me." 

Aaron picked you up and brought you to the door. He had read a lot about pregnancy, but he knew this wasn't normal pain. He cradled you close to him, meeting Alexander at your front door. _Alexander?_ You thought. He rushed to the back of the Aaron's car, where Aaron slid inside, still cradling you in his arms. "No matter what," he whispered. "I'll love you. I promise." He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against the top of your head, nose buried in your hair. "I love you so, so much, (Y/N)." 

Alexander made it to the hospital in record time, somehow managing to miss the lunchtime rush. "I'll go park and wait in the car. Let me know what happens, okay?" Aaron maneuvered you both out of the car, setting you down on the pavement. "Good luck, you two."

"Thank you," you breathed before the pain ripped through your core. 

Aaron lead you to the emergency room, calling for help as you collapsed just inside the door. "Somebody help us, _please_. Help my wife." An attending from the emergency room grabbed a wheelchair and ran over as Aaron picked you up, placing you in the wheelchair. Your hands wrapped around yourself, cradling your lower abdomen. 

"Aaron," you whimpered. 

"I know, darling. I know." 

She was brought into a room and undressed, Aaron and an orderly helping her into a thin hospital gown. The doctor took her vitals and examined her, all while she cried out in pain from the contracting that tore through her. "Mrs Burr, I'm sorry to have to say this, but you're miscarrying."

"What?" you whispered, the emotional and physical pain evident in your voice. 

"The cramping you feel is contracting. It's your body trying to get rid of the embryo."

You cast your eyes away from Aaron, the tears running down your face. This was your fault. It had to be your fault. You had both wanted a baby for so long, and the timing was never right, and now that you were finally pregnant, you fucked up and miscarried. It had to have been your fault. 

"I'm sorry, Mrs Burr. Sometimes these things just happen. I'll get you a script for the pain, and you'll have to have a follow up appointment with your gynecologist. You're going to bleed a bit, but it shouldn't be much heavier than a period. The cramping should get better after a couple days. After a full regular cycle, so when you get a normal period- no extra cramping, as heavy as usual- you can start trying again, but if your gynecologist recommends otherwise, follow his orders. I'll get you that script, but other than that, there's not much else I can do. I'm sorry. We'll keep you until the pain medicine kicks in." 

"Thank you doctor," said Aaron. His voice was low, pained. He had held your hand the entire time and even now he held it, even though he should be staying away from you. You killed his baby. It was all your fault. "(Y/N), I love you." 

You stay silent. He shouldn't. This was all your fault. "I love you," you finally mumbled, your voice void of emotion. You could finally feel the medicine they gave you working, and you finally had some relief from the pain. You sighed as the medicine sent relief through you, your abdominal muscles aching from the cramping it had been going through for so long. 

The doctor came back in, a pill vial in his hands. "Take this every four hours, just one pill, up to six a day. I've made an appointment for you to follow up with your gynecologist in three weeks." He handed you a packet of papers, the words glaring at you from the front page: _Dealing With a Miscarriage_. Your heart stuttered- you could hear it on the monitor. This was all becoming more real with every passing minute: you had killed your baby. 

The room began to spin and everything began to blur. Your eyes welled with tears, your eyelids fluttering as they began to close. You were vaguely aware of Aaron squeezing your hand, and the doctor trying to talk to you, but all you could hear was the pounding of your heart. You just wanted to be left alone. Why couldn't they leave you alone? Someone was shining a light in your eyes, but it wasn't bothering you. It was barely a light glow. You closed your eyes and laid on your side, away from Aaron. You could feel the bleeding between your legs but you blocked out everything. You didn't care about anything anymore. 

"(Y/N)!" 

"What?" You screamed. "What could you possibly want from me?!" You were sobbing. "I killed our baby." 

Aaron was behind you, still holding your hand as you whipped back around. The anger in your eyes finally caused him to let go and shrink back, sitting in the seat in the corner of the room. "Let's just go home. I have your discharge papers."

His movements were robotic as he helped you out of the gown and into your street clothes. You could see the emptiness behind his eyes and you just assumed it was because you snapped at him. You didn't mean it... "Aaron-" 

"It's fine. Let's just go home." His shoulders slumped. He let you walk in front of him, he walked on the side of the sidewalk, he led you across the crosswalk and even opened the car door for you, sitting you in the passenger seat beside Alexander while he crawled in the back. You leaned your head against the window as Aaron sat behind you, a blank stare on his face. "Can you bring us home Alexander? We'll drop (Y/N) off, then I'll bring you home." 

The car stayed silent the entire way home. Even at home, Aaron jumped out, opened the door for you, and walked you to the house, getting you comfortable on the couch before kissing you on the cheek and leaving. He walked to the car in silence. He still had the packet of papers in his hand; he hadn't let them go even as he walked you to the house. 

The two minute ride to Alexander's house was silent, and Aaron stared at the papers in his hands. Alexander pulled into his driveway and put the car in park, turning it off and grabbing the keys before he climbed out. "Come on. You're coming inside." 

"She lost the baby." 

"I know. Come on. You're going in." Alexander walked around and opened the door, ripping the packet of papers from Aaron's hands, tossing them back in the car. He grabbed Aaron's hands and pulled him from the car, slamming the door behind him. "You're going inside with me, and we're going to talk. You can't keep this bottled in or you'll run yourself into a hole in the ground."

Aaron pulled his hands from Alexander's. "Why do you care?" He asked. "Why does it matter to you if I run myself into the ground?" 

Alexander unlocked the front door and pushed it open. Eliza was in the kitchen cooking food, a baby Philip sleeping in the playpen near the front walkway. "Just follow me." He tossed Aaron's keys on the counter, grabbed Philip carefully, and carried him to his office, Burr sluggishly trudging behind him. 

"Alexander, if you're just going to rub it in my face, I'm leaving."

"No, I'm not doing that. I promise. I'm an ass, not that much of an ass. Sit down. I'll pour you a drink." He maneuvered around his office, Philip in one arm, his other grabbing a pair of glasses and some whiskey from a cupboard. 

"I can't drink. I gotta drive myself home." He wanted to, but he knew better than to drink and drive. 

"Aaron, it's one drink. And if you don't trust yourself driving after that, Eliza can take you home." He poured the whiskey into the glasses. "I want you to hold Pip for me," he said, laying the infant in Aaron's arms. 

Aaron's hands cradled the newborn's head, and he smiled sadly. He would love to experience this with you. But for now, that was just a dream. "Alexander what's all the point in this?" 

"That little smile you just had. That was the point. You still want children, I'm assuming. Don't let this little bump in the road tear you and (Y/N) apart. You'll have your baby one day. But you have to talk to each other. This whole icing each other out thing? It's gonna make things worse." He took a swig from his glass. "I can almost guarantee she blames herself for losing the baby and that's why she was harsh to you." Aaron's head jerked up. He hadn't told Alexander about that. 

"How did you-?" 

"I've lived it," he said sadly. "I lived the harsh snaps and the mood swings. I dealt with her feelings of guilt and my thousands of questions. And that little man you're holding in your arms? He's what came out of all that heartbreak. When Eliza miscarried, we were both inconsolable. She blamed herself and I wanted answers." He chugged the rest of his drink. "Did you know that one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage? Twenty-five percent. We came through it, and you will too, but you'll both have to learn to trust each other and talk." 

Aaron nodded his head and drank the half glass of whiskey in one gulp. "I gotta go home," he said, standing up and handing Philip over to Alexander. 

Alexander smiled at him. "Yeah you do. Go. Talk to your wife, hold her when she cries and let her know it's not your fault. When she's done blaming herself, she'll help you too." 

Aaron wrapped his arms around Alexander quickly, Philip still sleeping between them. "Thank you Alexander. You do actually have a human soul under that never-ending robot exterior." He ran down the hallway and swiped his keys from the counter. "Goodbye Eliza," he called as he slipped his coat back on. 

"Leaving so soon?" 

"I've gotta go talk to my wife," he said, running out the door. He jumped into his car and made it home in less than a minute. He sat in the car for a minute before gathering his courage and walking inside. He expected to find you waiting for him, awake, but you were sleeping on the couch, your hands wrapped around your empty womb. 

Aaron took one look at you and all his courage fell away from him. He came home wanting to talk, but seeing your tear stained face, your arms covering your abdomen, made his desolation and pain come rushing back to him. You had taken your pregnancy test, laid it on the coffee table, and smashed it to bits. He drew a blanket over your body and sank to his knees in front of the coffee table, his hands fumbling with the broken pieces of the pregnancy test, trying to put it back together, willing it to reassemble. His hands shook as he began to sob, and he dropped the pieces and buried his face in his hands. 

You woke up with a start. Your quiet house had been invaded by the sound of sobbing. Your husband sat on his knees, his hands covering his face in front of the coffee table, in front of the test you had smashed in a fit of rage. 

"Aaron, I'm so sorry," you whispered. Now he would definitely blame you. 

His head darted up from his hands, and his hands moved back to his face, as if controlled by a magnet, to wipe away his tears. "My love," he said, his voice hoarse and shaking. "I didn't know you were awake."

"You were crying," you whispered. "It woke me up." You wrapped your arms around him, crying into his work shirt. "I'm so sorry I lost her." 

He shook his head at you. "It's not your fault. These things just happen sometimes." He kissed your forehead, pressing his lips and leaving them there, resting just below your hairline. "How do you feel?" 

"Empty," you whispered as your voice broke. "How 'bout you?" You moved yourself to lay on his chest, his arms comforting as they wrapped around you. 

"I don't know," he said, his voice cracking. "I just feel..." 

"Heart-broken?" You offered.

"Lost."

**Author's Note:**

> Stalk me on tumblr 
> 
> @im-writing-out-of-time


End file.
